Page 1 2005 So inspired
just wanting to draw, to write— to die with tool in hand to choke on words and bleed out passion blue red from the pulsing veins I feel this crazy high, a sort of buzz a reaction to accident large and massive My eyes twitch and my body shakes I’m about to explode combust my flesh will burn and my hair bubble I want the sky to fall the earth to open hear people scream and birds shriek I want to be liquid—pure movement When the world ends, this is how I want to feel. Skittles for the mind Page 2 2005 The shades on my windows stay closed all the time the sun doesn’t come in and the moon never leaves It’s dark all the time and I like it that way This will be the last time I talk to you Burning eyes, your shaking touch Things like this can’t ever work themselves out The butterfly on your shirt looks like such a happy little thing It’s too bad you can’t say the same My fists hit the wall behind my invisible headboard like bass notes out of that subwoofer in your car—the red one with the big backseat we occupied one night Then—innocence was something we had to lose Page 3 2006 I kiss his lips and as my eyes break open for a second I feel your eyes on me those peanut butter pools smoldering in a corner the heat too much to take so I sit and I sleep with his arms around me held close, the way you used to hold When day breaks and I wake I say your name and walk away knowing he’ll never know and neither will you 1/12/05 10:36pm “Tiny” The greatest compliment ever: You are my martini
the pain in my belly button ring You’re a warrior prince who painted all the stars in my eyes You smell of oranges, I of Florida, or some other far off place where it never stops storming full of weather like love We’ll live forever inside a purple haze with swishing skirts, clicking sticks and infinite macaroni and cheese Page 4 2006 Write you a letter in the rain with my little silver box of colored pencils. 2004 9th grade Sometimes I won’t close my eyes for fear it’ll be your face I see staring back at me you’re all the way across the sea in a place I wish I could be with you—again if only for a day They have pineapples there, you lucky bastard -life gets pretty shitty once in awhile- You just keep sleeping—don’t worry
I’ll find all the broken altoids and swallow them whole
Take 2, take 20 either way it’ll go away try not to cry if the worst happens it won’t—but please don’t Page 5 2005 They held hand the way hands ought to be held. 2004 9th grade Now I’m falling asleep with an open sharpie in my hand the narcotic perfume—inhaled puts me away in a prison I’ve created for my tired little heart My contacts have been stuck inside my head for far too long… my vision blurs as you place your body next to mine. 2005 The mirrors in my speaker box are round the image they reflect is of a girl sleeping so sound she lays so still like rain that hit the ground 2004 9th grade It’s hot, way too hot This isn’t right—nothing is anymore I want you out, I want you gone… just close your eyes, he won’t be here in the morning Page 6 2005 And then there’s me a tired girl, with messy braided hair watching herself throw herself around her crummy room in an X-files t-shirt with her own mystery never solved 2004 9th grade If time’s what you need don’t you dare look at me I’ve thrown all mine away The sea currents carry it now as the wind blows over without one single song My time was all I had and it meant nothing to me, nothing. 2005 My boxers are cooler than yours My heart is bigger and stronger and more sewn together from all the times pieces were taken, stolen, and forced back in like an alcoholic passed out in rehab for the 3rd time Page 7 2005
Yellow sunshine over a sea of turquoise blue your shirt is white like the crests of breaking waves we dance and dance 2004 9th grade beginning What is there to live for if not for you? I wonder if you’re up late with the pale moon and falling stars thinking of me as I am of you I’d like to think so, but that’s wishful thinking and that gets me nowhere Spin in the sun,
Dance with the stars,
Be as you are. You’re the onion ring in my fries-- a pleasant surprise. Page 8 It was your eyes so bright that burned the first holes in my jeans On the subject of my death 8/29/04 10:14pm I’ve decided that when I die, don’t tell anyone I’m dead. Just the people that truly love me should know. So when you’re out and people ask how I’m doing (even though you know I’m dead) tell them, “Oh! Kristen’s doing great. I’ll tell her you said hi.” See, if it’s important for them to know I’m dead, they’d already know. On the subject of my childhood dream 3/5/05 When I was little, my dream was to fly. Away, above everyone and with the birds, into the sky, make friends with all the clouds and find out which cloud God sat on. I’d sit in my backyard arm up, open wide, feeling the wind blow Page 9 through me. Maybe if I waved my arms fat enough—hard enough, caught the right breeze my dream would come true. But hey, I was a little kid with a big dream. And plus, I’m still here. 2005
Under pretty lights of blue and green, you kissed me and show me things I’d never seen. I’m lucky, I’m free… but only when you’re away from me. Hips like Cinderella eyes like heroin I’m just a dream you’ll pretend you had Gotta get away Gotta get away Gotta find some love Page 10 3/5/05 There’s paint in my hair. --grass stains on my jeans. My black cat walks around like death. I paint my nails black to match him. Turn on the TV. Hold a conversation with the static the white noise. I roll a wheel on some pink liquid-filled plastic and ignite a flame one I connect to a stick yellow-brown, longer white watch it slowly burn filling my apartment with clouds of smoke There’s a bruise on my leg a cut on my arm It’s the imperfections that make us special. I get up and walk over to the old couch—it still holds me up The fabric plays with my mind so many frayed threads, nothing makes sense right now. Flip a switch, flick some ash into a dish. Close my eyes and live like I’m dying every day. Slowly. There’s paint in my hair. Page 11 2005 The floorboards creek beneath my running feet It’s our secret—no one needs to know
Page 12 2004 (end of 8th grade—dedicated to Nate Reynolds, and exboyfriend who was moving away) Remember me the crazy girl who fell in love with you 3 different times all over again Remember me the gothic princess that never learned to let go Remember me your fellow pyro and hyperactive, caffeinated classmate a dancing silhouette representing a better time Remember me your first girlfriend with blue eyes full of fire that held hidden love along with other things Remember me the artist who saw you and made you smile the friend who could stop your mouth from moving with just a simple touch, click of a watch or even better: a kiss Page 13 Remember me, my dear “Bubble Boy” there are so many things I wish I could have said to you so many emotions, still locked inside of me that only time could release but sadly, our time has run out. Remember me, Nate I still love you and always will No matter how far away you go, you’ll always be the closest to my heart 11/28/03 “You’ve come back” Suddenly I feel like crying a moment—my heart stops You’re here. Standing next to me. I try so hard to wake up, to not think of you --you’re not a dream Reality, destiny, fate brought you here to me So strange, so hopeless to conceive why you’ve come back, to haunt my mind I thought you were a dream but all along you’ve been with me Page 14 11/28/03 “Complete Control” A twitch of the eye a flick of the wrist souls to slaves in an instant wish Beauty and grace bends hearts to erase a thing called True Love Blinded by some celestial charm a wonderful life to them unseen by someone such as me 11/28/03 “Even Snow Angels Melt” Snowflakes falling down upon my empty heart chilling what little heat is left the ice melts before my eyes an icy glare resonates he watches in silence I now know even snow angels melt and fade away still, he sees nothing of this I mourn for everything he can’t see including what’s left of me Page15 2003 “In a Young Girl’s Mind” (Deep Breath) leaves rustle (Blink) clouds seem to react grey sky churns (Let Go) lay awake in silence (Fall Away) surrounded by everything seeing nothing at all (Darkness) 12/03/03 “Moons” I look at the moon I wonder if she ever had to compete for a place in the sky I wonder if that heavenly pedestal was given to her by grace Did all the stars fall into place by her side? Or were they laid there, still bound by celestial chains? I wonder if I’m so different from the moon she fights for her place in the heavens I fight for a place in someone’s heart Page 16 12/09/03 10:26pm “Falling Faster” If you could only see what my dreams are made of I wish I could lead you through my mind maybe that would help you understand if you could feel what I feel in my heart to feel that emotion that hits me when I look into your eyes feel the electricity that shakes through me when your hand brushes past mine. I wish you knew me knew what I’m trying to say comprehend the fact that I’m falling for you faster than you’ll ever know 12/11/03 “Fallen Flower” Search the thorns wrap your fingers to stop the pain and crimson flood Break open the branches in two Always searching for that fallen flower of multi-colored insanity Page 17 12/16/03 4:35pm “Stay” Somewhere along the way I got caught up in everything I meant to say But then, you look at me you reach for my hand And there’s no one else for me to turn too There’s no other place to run too Ironically— I don’t feel like running away anymore either My fingers just won’t let go and my heart can’t find a reason not to stay Page 18 12/16/03 7:38pm “Ms. Gwenaveere” I’m a girl of 14 years Many things pass my ears Some days I wish I could not hear Please take me away from here Ms. Gwenaveere So when I look in the mirror everything will be clear And a memory is all I will have of fear No more tears Please my dear Ms. Gwenaveere Take me away from here 12/28/03 “Only a Memory” Far away city lights remind me of home Home—I smile at the thought Comfort warms my tired heart Only for a moment I remind myself home is only a memory Page 19 12/20/03 6:53pm “Destiny’s Parting” Something’s following me A deep hum, a rustling song Echoes behind me Twisting, bending throughout the iridescent sky I’m walking along this path lined with golden leaves Rolling, supporting, and holding me Denial pours out of my lips I don’t believe this, nothing could be there Nothing’s following me No one is humming that song I stop and all the world with me My shallow breathing, your heartbeat become the only sounds I turn to you with hopeless eyes Your own eyes rimmed in confusion You touch me Emotions that were forever saved for you fly away to the moonlit horizon Chances lost, affectionate motions never shown play over and over in my mind What could have been never was Whatever hope was left in me Whatever prayer was said for the sake of us Is no more Page 20 All chance has drifted away to Fate’s waiting arms There is no need for explanation I’ll give one final kiss I shall release my heart and I pray that you don’t cry as I walk the other way 1/16/04 Night falls and stars shine You’re still on my mind You’re a thousand miles away and the thought of me hasn’t crossed your mind I say everything but mean nothing at all And here I sit trying to love you It shouldn’t be this hard You’re everything I want you to be I just can’t tell you love me Page 21 1/19/04 1:32am “(Red)” Digital letters (of red) flash 1:32 (still not sleeping) (silently yelling at myself for being awake) But I don’t feel tired, staring into the dark outside (the stars cry) And all I’m feeling is alone Your face keeps entering (uninvited) into my head and I start to cry (Thinking about love and you) Wondering what it means to be in love (If it’s even real) (slowly) I fall asleep and dream And still the only thing on my heart in this dream world is you (Nice dream) Digital letters (of red) flash 9:48 the darkness ends (echoing silent laughter) (reality) Page 22 1/16/04 During Language Arts @ Trinity “Day Dreams” Did I see it? Maybe not… An illusion in my exhausted state Staring out the window Cold winters day There it is again! Alas, that daydreams compare to hallucinations of the mind Dark bending trees Seem so awake, so real to me Life’s metronome ticks away And the sun has run to the horizon Page 23 2/6/04 Fiber optic shadows play across your polyester face soft music plays in the background lying side by side in the dead of night I listen to you breathe And I smile and I think to myself I used to be unsure of love Thankfully now we can love in perfect silence There’s no need to say anything everything’s felt between us the way it should be. I hope for tomorrow and dream of the day watch the sunrise and smile Life’s interesting I’ll watch the day begin while still holding yesterday’s hand I’m not ready to let go yet. Page 24 2/7/04 Electric moonlight flashes periodically in my room Hot tears form at my eyes for no apparent reason I think of velvet tulip petals and wedding days… Funeral dirges and clasped hands Obviously dropping hints from the future at my door Read your tarot cards pull a rabbit from a hat It seems I’m always under your spell Warm vanilla candles bring a sense of tired relief I sigh and run my fingers through air making it dance invisibly tiny yellow flames lick my fingers amusing me in my tired trance the dark circles under my eyes rotate to the slow music Page 25 Many signs of warning snap me back to myself I remember the first time I cried for you The wind blows, the flames don’t flicker and I haven’t forgotten how to cry Another restless night more thoughts and reflections hiding all the pain trying to scare it away with what, I do not know But I’ll still pray for grace 2/8/04 Latest theory is that insanity deliberate as it may be comes oh so frequently at night and on account of that at night you’re alone and at peace slowly testing and slipping away to dreams formulating as we speak inside of you Page 26 Camouflaged music hovers in my room shadows dance singing of the good days they all know my name I converse with their memory and find delight in my future which just so happens to shine brighter on account of me meeting them and them getting to know me Twitching my head side to side in rhythmic fashion silently losing myself in my own dance I feel a headache coming on I’ll pray and think happy thoughts (Like Peter Pan) That usually does the trick 2/24/04 during Language Arts The sunlight is blinding I close my eyes and a thread of exhaustion flies away the sun sends heat to the cold hearts of people It’s supposed to wake you up but I remain dead. Page 27 11/9/03 during a Lunar Eclipse 1:17am “Inevitability” Writing by the light of one moon I tremble under her gaze as my eyes are blinded by her radiance Reach up to embrace that dark face only to realize the inevitability of the truth: she was never there “Perfection” Look to the stars smile with the moon dance on the clouds perfect is too small a word to describe this bliss “Choice” In the hours of dark poetic composing My heart springs from her cage emotions are let loose and at last I can choose where I’ll take myself during these precious hours of freedom and release so sweet and cold Finally I am alone Page 28 “Midnight Heartache” Darkness’s embrace surreal moonlight Celestial black velvet wraps around me in periodical bliss formed as waves What happens when the star goes blind? How could it have ended like this? One last kiss His shadowy silhouette Transparent within this Supernatural zodiac Eclipse. Page 29 “Goddess of the Night” Her eyes stare into mine Cold blue steel circles Piercing the heart of my soul Seeing every dark secret and desire Hey eyelids dripping with truth Eyelashes fluttering with feigned immorality Her brown hair set flame Paralyzing heat radiates off her And star-studded brilliance overcomes Her ivory hands glow white with heavenly grace from within They brush past my eyes and touch my face painting peaceful light and forgotten love all released for the last time on this desolate galactic canvas Page 30 4/23/04 12:19pm Stars bow down before you the moon wanes so he can shine his light on you in the most perfect way Just enough to see your lips curve into a bent line nearly resembling a smile and a sparkle in your tired eyes 4/24/04 spray-on glitter sparkle like the stars inhale the gas forget who you are exhale all your sins you are free to breathe again It’s strange what liquid gas does to pens changes the color the design everything it used to be I wonder if it’s happy now Page 31 I smile at my brilliance and ignite insanity’s flame Remembering stars spinning, knitting small amulets of mystery spun meticulously without needles or thread fallen, evanescent tears seemingly familiar 5/5/04 This is the first time since the last I’ve picked up a pen excuse my absence I was delayed Emotional trainwrecks Accidents involving razors at Payne Street between Scarred Avenue and Break-down Boulevard I found my exit soon enough Never fear I’m alright— For now. Page 32 8th grade 2004 Playing with a lighter, flicking the rolling steel to ignite the invisible gas. She sits. It’s hot. My hair’s a mess; make-up smeared, dreadful. I think about time past while staring at the textured ceiling. Breathe, just breathe. You’ll be okay. I sigh holding you in my heart. Why does it have to be like this? Reminiscing brings no relief. Standing up, brushing auburn threads away. Joints crack and pop. No one’s home but me, I wish it would rain. I step outside of my apartment, #34. Clutching the railing to keep from plunging. It is quite a ways down. Freedom would feel nice. To escape everything that happened wouldn’t change a thing. Fate—the inescapable. Page 33 8th grade 2004 Stepping lightly with feather footfalls running away, so far away stars blinking down at me winds blowing in from the north biting down hard on my skin shivers up and down my spine doubts buried so long swim to the surface of my memory moonlight shines in my eyes I don’t want to lose again 4/23/04 12:19pm It’s an everlasting illusion that I foolishly so do believe in It seemed real, I could’ve sworn Wrong again. Blind me by your charms Lucky, perhaps or maybe just destined Curse emotion Run away I never could stand to stay Page 34 5/12/04 9:04pm (outside) Fly away on cotton wings Feign your innocence as white flowers fall Your purple skirts against a sea of green greying skies calling me home to the twinkling stars and evanescent heaven I wish I could take a picture of me Free my soul in a photograph Timeless—as it would seem The soft wind picks up auburn threads Brushing them away with DaVinci’s grace Storms on the horizon Rain clouds in the sky Darkness is overshadowing the sunset rays Emerald eyes flick open to attention Page 35 Under a canopy of maple trees Some birch, beechnut too I like it better out here It’s darker and easier to hide inside the shadows knowing you’ll remember none of this tomorrow. I’ve forgotten how to live how to breathe how to dance sing listen talk, speak. I’ve misplaced my heart, my memory, all of me. You seem to be the only thing that never changes though you consume all I am Page 36 Revolving in my mind around a crystalline moon turning into something more to make you happy My feet fly and my eyes search yours for some glimpse of reality I’m happy, don’t let this end. I need this. Tell me I’m not dreaming but love is never real so dream I do, if I must 8th grade 2004 “Constellations” The zodiac the ancient key shifts the scorpions tail bows the bulls head the archer tightens his bow and looses an arrow while the Twins whisper in gentle harmony striking chords in the heart of the sky Page 37 2004 8th grade 1:24pm power out/raining/Saturday Reading through lyrics like a book Take me back before you lost that look before my heart you took before the earth beneath my feet shook take me backwards through times videotape hit rewind and fall in line make the sun shine and tell me you’re mine forever it will be a secret between you and me (later) Every time I count the stars the echo in my brain sounds like your name the sky is the color of your eyes and I can’t help but wonder what you’re doing where you are who you’re seeing why you’re crying tell me everything I love you I hope it shows Page 38 A better version of the previous poem Write you a letter Wondering if you’re doing better Sealed with my love, fitted for you like a glove Every time I count the stars the echo in my brain sounds like your name the sky is the color of your eyes And I still wonder what you’re doing where you are how you’re feeling why you’re crying and if you even remember my name 2004 8th grade Don’t let it fade away Find a reason to stay home is here Not over somewhere else out there Page 38 2004 8th grade Angry. Tear up the pieces watch them fall away break the hearts to pass the time you’ll never fall in line wouldn’t be caught dead in over your head you say everything is okay and control is in your hands Careful honey, your mask is slipping
Page 40 5/6/08 12:44pm It was too warm to cry she stood by his side faked a smile twirled her skirt ad walked away He loves her, She loves him. But there’s something there almost run down thread bare 7 months of this And she still can’t forget that last kiss… tie that song to a memory rest your tired eyes girl Open them, those delicate blues on a night in New Mexico tie that kiss to a tear the one running down your cheek tonight you only think of him late at night after something BIG happens your eyes always itch your heart threatens to shake you try to cry but can’t Page 41 because you’re difficult like that and and always end up convincing yourself that it’s not worth it and he never ever thinks of you the same so move on and pick up smile while you sleep sigh a silent heavy sigh block his eyes from your heart close your eyes and fly away to the west 6/20/08 Summer Mexico. Late night. I fell into you With a glance Lost my memory in a sea of green Forgot to breathe as you pulled me under the waves of your love washed over me suffocating, but sweet. Page 42 6/29/04 To sleep you have to rest Of course that’s true You know what’s best for me and for you I wonder what’s next Is there something behind your eyes of blue? You passed my test So now we’re through This heart in my chest gave up before you knew July, 2004 So lost, so confused I don’t know how I can make it without you You were my everything; and when you left, you took everything I was without your love I’m nothing Empty eyes look at me---analyzing Muted voices scream my name But you’re the only one I’ll ever hear You’re the only one who could Ever Make me smile again Page 43 Summer, 2004 Voices next door Troubled romances in the sticky August heat Shadowy silhouettes moving Broken vases, Shattered mirrors… As the Earth and the stars collide So still, red satin curtains Sway Maybe, they actually love each other 8/01/04 12:27pm Grande Mere Beach Songs of sorrow leap from the jukebox in the corner the bar lights so dim glasses clink, people sudder summer thunder rattles the window panes One touch and I remember nothing is what it seems Love’s a game with countless players Forget one, forget a million There’s something in the air I know I’m not alright Page 44 7/04/05 It’s dark and my clothes are still wet all our fingers red and calloused My feet are dirty, my shoes brown to stubborn to put them back on the shirts are soaked now they just cling Like I do to you fireworks burn and ignite like so many old time traditions my brown hair dripping hangs loose over watery eyes that look through at you we peak in the windows of our neighbors houses hoping to catch a glimpse of ourselves as we used to be Page 45 7/28/08 “Sharpie” You might not think of me again My face might not appear in your thoughts An artist, inexperienced—a sharpie in hand But that’s okay Seconds mean a lot when it comes to me I saw your look, I felt your eyes on me—amazed, maybe curious or even afraid whatever your reaction, I saw it And I know I’ll think of you the next time I open my sharpie
Page 46 4/16/06 Spring Break—coming home on a plane from Arizona Just give me… wings freedom one look that I’m sure says, “I love you” bright summer sun and endless nights set to flame with fireworks in the sky warm rain that soaks me all the way through barefoot dances and long white beaches Just give me happiness one promise of forever Page 47 12/18/06 It’s sad in that all I can do is watch watch myself love watch me move watch you move inside of me closed eyes, soft hands exchanging more than words there are no words now all movement all touch all alone just us love without feeling, without experience without myself, outside my head far from my heart It’s sad in that I can’t stop I can’t stop to think or to love I just watch Lie still, close your eyes girl He said he loves you, it’s alright close your eyes
Page 48 Winter 2005 or 2006 “One Winter Day” Like some kind of Revolutionary I cover the circle, the dark ones, with mud Brush the snow from my hair Wash the dirt from my hands Rub the calluses on my feet Touch up my eyes so they shine Put my shoes on, the older ones with the holes in their soles walk away and throw the frozen tears to the sky “The World Keeps Spinning” My boots scuff your name as I walk the frozen path to school we once tread hand in hand smiling together Things were different then I’m different now, in a way the world only knows the way you’ll never see Page 49 12/30/05 “Babooshka Sluts and Soft Purple Sheets” My feet are cold, my hair is wet there is a shiny ring on my finger far too large to be real can’t be real but it’s not fake, it’s something ele somewhere in the middle something in the middle whatever the case, it’s mine It’s too cold to be dressed as I Long red skirt, small brown shoes and a tight black shirt that leaves my arms bare and skin exposed But I don’t care, my hearts keeps me warm in there there is a growing heat an orange ember in the pit a lighted match with a blue tint like a moment in the dark a secret passed by forbidden touch like new loves smile young, smooth, and wild Page 50 2006 On making new friends I love those little things that make you closer to someone. For instance,
you go out with some random people
and the clever witty girl you’d love to be friends with ends up being the one who holds your hair while you throw up. And then you do the same for her because you were both that shitfaced. And after that you’re best friends. Or: -using someone’s shower -falling asleep at someone’s house -getting stuck in an elevator -some kind of catastrophe -long car ride or bus or train -crying to a stranger after a break-up Things like that don’t happen enough. Makes me sad.
Page 51 2/7/06 Making more out of what is Thinking too much and crying too little Asking before telling Hiding meaning Apologizing all the time Day after day the farther we slip away Loving you more and feeling less To think your eyes shone, our hearts beat and our love real is just too much 3/26/06 It’s nights like these that I miss you the most When my body is warm but my heart is cold Your face comes floating down into my subconscious Like a ghost of something that was—but isn’t You’re so close I can almost touch you Feel your skin and pull warmth from your thin frame Fall away into your eyes like I always used to when I couldn’t sleep It’s nights like this when I’m biting my lip and staying up too late that I realize I’ll never stop missing you Page 52 2006 “Platonic Soulmates” “We” the thoughts of “us” would have been, early on But the chance passed us by The leaves turned and the snow came and came Eventually things changed and we became closer than we ever thought we would be The hole in the wall stayed where it was as did the way I felt about you The popsicles we ( you) ate, the movies we watched, and all the games we played you’d throw railroad spikes at me and I would poke about on your shirt and meow like a cat the little ones you love so much Running through the forests in the middle of the day the oil shining on our young skin dodging the bugs and leaping over streams I wore sneakers beneath my skirts and followed you through the maze of greenery and mud Page 53 Those were day we wanted to last forever and the conversations we swore to remember Your hands are bigger than mine You’re older, but not by much I’ll marry you someday as it has been predicted, I know I will And I don’t care if we’re only in high school I like thinking about you and I and us Our house, our life, and the cats, the cats we’ll have and own and take care of so many cats
Page 54 2006 “Betelgeuse” Everything will be okay It’s cold, but there are worse things My hands clammy my head sore and my eyes have this pressure pressure pressure Building up behind them I’m scared for me For you For us I thought this was what I wanted Now I just don’t know Why wi-fi Everything will be okay It will it will it has to be Nothing happened The only hand I hold is yours The time I have I give to you I’ve never lied and never will I just want you to believe Believe in Betelgeuse Believe in me and what we used to have and know No know I haven’t changed and don’t intend too Page 55 I’m shaking and I’m cold and just want the hours to go faster So I can call and talk and fix Be The Mighty Fix-It Man Be the man I know you are and I’ll be the girl you used to love Because that’s still me And you’re still you and we can still be us Even if time won’t let us be so I’m calling you in an hour. 2005 “Torn Bandana Fabric” A faded bracelet once purple, now grey Time worn, love scarred, tear soaked In perfect, simple condition it was fastened onto me Then I was nervous, now I’m just sad I didn’t know when the knot was tied how much I would tie to it I wrapped your memory around it: Your kiss, our love—however short-lived it was it existed. And it lived inside that twisted string the only physical thing I can tie to you and two days ago--- it snapped. Page 56 2006 “Ina” She’s a poetess, a writer of words The rainbow-haired Pole with ink-splotched skin A brilliant artist with long gypsy skirts She works all night, the busiest of bees coming home with honey-speckled fingers sugar under her nails (chipped), from a foreign hive far from here During the day, she appear, a drinker of coffee a student of life, an observer of the world My friend from afar, the orchestrator of love and beauty Page 57
12/5/06 “Hit the Keys” I rub my eyes and hit the keys play a tune, and orchestra of words blinking fast and pressing hard trying to get it all out and keeping what needs to be contained in My stomach rolls over and I try to ignore it but it’s hard and nothing helps So I play on and on until all is said and visible so gloriously clear and beautiful all meaning felt and understood like the sky, sparkling in the infinite darkness the light lights up our faces and we understand understand each other and all others we smile and think we are happy happy happy at last Page 58 9/25/06 “Yellow Skin” Like shadows we melt into the walls The dark hollow things that they are hold us in Our pain sticks to the walls like the ashes in the puddles outside so much smoke and so much life Yellow skin, yellow hair, yellow fingers (smoking far too late into the night) and yellow cat eyes dots in the darkness The flaxen maiden dips her fingers into the wine and screams her love into the night The red royal juice stains the white of her dress She laughs at how pure it used to be and thinks, she likes it better this way anyhow I love her. It’s a strange thing, to love her So many people do, but for me it’s even odder Because I’ve never even met her I love her for her voice (in written word), her pictures on the digital screen and the way she breathes life Page 59 Inhales it, sharply and deeply like the cigarettes that are taped to her fingers The ones littered around her room, the ones that are used and worthless that squish under her pink toes I wonder how she ended up here in this small corner of the world She seems so out of place, so much bigger than this Like a goddess, stepped down gracing us with her good intentions and breath-taking hands flowing over themselves to touch the gaping crowd A throng of people captivated Completely. 2/1/04 9:54pm 8th Grade Somewhat detached from I used to call, My Life Trying to bridge the gap between you and me. Life’s a blur and I walk in a trance And the whole time, I convinced myself that you still believed in second chances I slowly lost myself In your memory. Page 60 12/17/06 “The Cuts Inside My Mouth and My Contacts Inside My Skull” Forever really is a long time I can’t imagine wearing the same pair of contacts for forever You’d like different through ancient contact Lenses The endless galaxies and jewels encrusted upon your iris’ would run together like a perfect green ocean smoothed over like glass I can only hope the surface wouldn’t crack I’d fall through the crevices to save you and your beautiful eyes from hurt The jagged edge would cut my skin and it would hurt like my mouth does Maybe I shouldn’t smile as I fall for you I laugh and laugh And lick your face and try to brush the fog away because all I want is to see you and it would make me very said if I couldn’t ever again Page 61 10/22/06 On why I hate being human Why I hate being human ---when feeling immense love or happiness for something I never feel like I can express it in a way that anyone in the world can to it. Understand it. (But why do I need them to understand?) Because sharing an experience is better than feeling it alone. That’s why people get married: so they have someone who understands them completely to experience life with. 2/14/04 1:05am 26 candles Scattered around my room I ignite the flame and the candles glow Light dances off every emotion Flickering every now and then Because sometimes we don’t know What the hell love is, I wonder we’ll ever know It comes and goes with the wind of change—it’s never the same Love never lasts long enough to heal All the silent tear and broken hearts Page 62 2/15/04 6:54pm There came a time When I couldn’t distinguish Between dark circles or smeared eyeliner I was so tired So sleeplessly aware Of my need for an Eternal requiem A few moment of watching digital rain fall And I already feel sick Nauseas headache That came out of nowhere It’s that bottomless, indescribable sickness -10 minute later- it’s gone. Light my candle in a daze Dress-up like we used too when we were small Mardi Gras beads and glitter coke and chocolate flip on my stereo and indulge in digital happiness Page 63 Wishing wells, fairy godmothers, and shooting stars I’ll drop my penny down I’ll believe in magic I’ll wish on a star and pray it comes true The midnight air, the soft song of the wind only makes me want you more Everything has you in it Somewhere, somehow You’re everywhere I am But it’s only a shadow of you When I’m with all of you I want to pull you closer I want to reach for your hand I want to love you But love takes two, I’m only one. Page 64 During Language Arts 2/16/04 blue pearl essence reflects yellow rays peppermint shadows with nifty light fly the glass glows the window is open I’m so tired of being here Malicious freedom set upon my mind Narcotic longing with a smirk of deception set upon my lips later at home that night 2/16/04 10:44pm liar liar liar You’re pathological, you know that? Static muic—I listen to a band that’s the opposite of light liar liar liar someone hissing in my ear You’re a liar, heartless Caught in the middle Choose my dear, choose Or all you’ll see will be The opposite of light Page 65 Bitter coffee taste stuck in my mouth Cold winter bite The icy hand grips vice-like Onto mine Strangely, this steel-blue sky Dashed with midnight music Smilies at me And I feel warm. 2/21/04 “When our eyes firt met” Now that’s a funny phrase It’s like the green eye Shakes the hand Of the blue eye They’ll flutter eyelashes in exchange and sparkle and shine commanded by the heart to look happy and in love Page 66 2/22/04 It’s mid-day, I just woke up Lying on a down-feather bed With little to no energy Reminiscing on a video I watched of me When I was two months old Trying to roll over The same goal is still set in my mind “Roll over, Kristen, roll over. You can do it…: --I don’t move. I’ll fall away to my dreams tonight After staring into the black sky Smelling hope on the air Knowing he loves me And he’s always there And it’s funny because tonight He’ll fall away to his dreams After staring into the black sky And smiling with me on his mind And in his dream We’ll meet in a weird karma kind of love And be together like we should be Page 67 Cracked pavement, candles with wicks trimmed off Burned out incense sticks A lonely moment for a summer night such as this My waking self reminds me It’s still winter. 2004 10:27pm For the first time in awhile I’m depressed. Seriously sad. I’m hypocritical of myself—wait Kristen stop. Don’t write about that It’ll only make it worse I search my mind for another topic That is worth thinking about
Page 68 2/23/04 Peppermint in my mouth I’ve been told it wakes you up That side-affect must be delayed Because I feel worse than ever The peppermint instantly switches to metal And it cuts my tongue So I can’t speak. You ran your hand through the Delicate weave of my hair And actually looked like you were happy I was good enough. Happy. 2/26/04 Static T.V. channel Occasionally words become silence Luckily, I can see through the lines that distort And I can see the movie portraits in action Electronic obsession It’s genetic I swear Page 69 You walk through the closing door You don’t care if it hits you The door closes but you’re already inside You’re inside a room with a shut door behind you You play an instrument that occasionally sounds just okay You’re so out of it You don’t even think You do as yourself is told too You refers to me and Me refers to you During Language Arts 2/26/04 1:50pm Late summer afternoon The air dry, a pair with my lips Swirling waters conjured directly by my toes Soft wood boardwalk faded from the summer sun I can almost hear the sunshine It has granted me a new definition of peace For a moment I just might smile Page 70 During L.A. 2/17/04 You sit in class You try to stay awake You secretly chew your gum You contemplate sticking it under the desk You laugh silently You’re so clever You are also sarcastic You are mean; You are nice— Only when you have to be You are clumsy You are weird People say you’re not from around here I sit in class I try not to stare But it’s been so long since I’ve seen you last here Page 71 2/27/04 Swinging on a rope Back and forth motion I’m frankly quite scared I might cause a commotion in the wind The winter grins, pearly white icicles shining, And bites as I fly through the night 2/5/07 The tops of your Y’s spread like thighs as you write on and on. 10/28/04 It was clear white night She was all alone With the words on her mind With her mind half gone She was walking outside—nowhere to go She broke down on the ground Her broken heart barely beating was the only sound. Page 72 8th grade “Empty Life” Empty as a jar Sick and feverish Depression is near Insanity creeps in with my fear So confused and alone Everything is going wrong Nights are just too long I’m not even sure why I feel this way Maybe I’ve been led astray Things are just too hard I feel flat as a card I’ve lost so many things I’m too irresponsible Things I love taken away Things I want seem to slip farther and farther away Someone once said life isn’t fair But they had everything, never cared I feel empty I have nothing Page 73 Things coming at the wrong time I’m at the end of the line I’m balancing life on a thread Everything I’ve said, a forever sense of dread Slipped past all ears I’m alone to face my fears 9th grade for Rad’s English class Across two worlds Inside a thought Beneath my pen an idea unfurled Under a dim light true love I captured Outside a pale moon shone Around my body blankets cling In my soul this one song I sing
Page 74 2004 Escape to the bed Your comfortable cocoon Lie awake in a blanket state Thinking and breathing Up and down all around The mattress is hard My back is tight and full of knots Like a board made of wood The kind you throw away 9/26/04 At the time I was obsessed with sleep The requiem relief it gave, The challenge of putting it off… I was thrilled. Teasing insomnia with pills and dirty needles. Page 75 9/26/04 On songs on the radio I think it’s funny how casually the radio plays songs; I mean it’s the artists experiences and heartbreaks (leaps) and all the DJ has to do is press play and let it leek out into the world on the waves of sound. This might not be a bad thing—it just seems like an invasion. What am I waiting for? Sweet release Eternal escape Something better than this An alternative reality Different dimension Drowning in a pool of drugs Pill-popping actress Teenage girl shooting up in bathroom Trying to numb the pain Cause she’s just that good. Page 76 3/30/05 9:16am I’m exhausted; All I want to do is write Storms coming, I’ve got that excited feeling Like I’d have the most amazing orgasm right now if I were to get fucked long and hard I think I’ll sneak out tonight and go dance in the rain 9/27/04 My eyes are burning like candles on my irises. Empty bottles, dirty needles, crumpled paper hearts. A cold blood romance. Page 77 On something someone once said “I love you more than anyone ever before.” It leads me to wonder how many times you have said this and to whom did you speak? Did you rehearse? Carefully mold the words with your spiced tongue the right movements practiced late into the night—choreographed to make the perfect impression (first or second) cheers to you my friend you’ve put a spell on me and now I’m yours. Headaches Aches in my head My head aches There is an ache in my head. >>Intelligence is sexy<< 10/3/04 A brilliant piece of soap. Page 78 10/4/04 Happy with a secret. 1. I’ll get money 1.1 –a lot of money 2. Go off by myself 3. Just living 3.1 taking what come 3.2 coming what takes. In a face—all that you love, KNEW, were, and will be, broken foggy perefectly happy J “Maybe it won’t die” 1/20/05 I have to write everything down otherwise it’ll leak out of my head rain down on the earth like a flood of BLAH. “If only, if only…” A caged bird sings “If only, if only… I still had my wings If only, if only… I hadn’t lost everything…” You open up your eyes all filled with grief’s surprise and the sun’s comin’ up like some post-traumatic dream that should calm you down completely only it doesn’t Page 80 1/21/05 *Random thoughts* I wanna float over a sea of vodka ~If you catch a close friend smoking that you didn’t know smoked and you yourself smoke, go up to them all sneaky sneaky and say, “Hey.” If they look ashamed say, “Oh, it’s okay” pull out your pack and light up saying, “I quit years ago too.” I lose my mind when I look at CD’s. All I remain is sort of perpetually sick inside Vignette He kissed my arm deeply before he put the needle there. “Just a poke. There. That wasn’t so bad.” Now I’m on some zodiac, garden, galactic trip in my head. Where is my mind? Where is my mind? Where is my mind? Where is my mind? Where is my mind? Where is my mind? Where is my mind? Gone! Gone! Gone! Page 81 (The poem, “Her Last Song” is pasted inside the book here) “Her Last Song” It’s no secret now, everyone knows It’s my shoulder the night uses to cry, My bedroom with six hundred windows, My feet where the truth comes to die. My pillow where the moon can’t stop weeping, While the tide washes the prints in the sand, Those eyes that seek out new meaning, Your scarred, broken soul in my hands. This pulse that’s been chained to your sorrow, Dandelions amidst lilies of snow, Someday I will see through your disguise, Someday pick my name from your lies. Till then, I’ll hide my soul in your scrapbook, With the photographs there and the moss, And I’ll yield to the flood of your innocence, With my cheap guitar and my cross. And you may carry me down to the darkness, Wipe my slate with a flick of your wrist. Take this verse, this accursed harness— It’s yours now; it’s all there is. (Followed by a note to Rodrigo that reads) Rodrigo: I didn’t write this, but I used to read it when I was having trouble with Arjun and all that. It’s one of my favorite poems of all time. I wish I could remember who w | 
